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Thursday, October 15th, 2009
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10:34 pm - hmmz
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I randomly go through old journal entries sometimes...to be honest, I mostly do this when I feel pretty depressed about things or lonely...or something..maybe just blah?...i think i get really emotional when i'm at a computer just sitting...like i'm fine if i'm actively engaged in something, and then when i just sit at a computer or watch tv, i start to get bored and restless...must be because those things are unnatural - ish...
anyways, I realized a few things about myself today:
A) I had some really, crazy drunken nights in college...and i can't believe i forgot them; that makes me sad...i'm glad i don't really do some of that crap anymore...i kinda don't like the person i am when i drink..too raunchy...i guess i'm a little raunchy sober too tho, hehe..i guess i'm also kind of happy that i have had those nutty experiences in the past...they've somehow shaped me i guess..but i was definitely WAY too innapropriate at times...maybe i still am??..what do you think
B) the other things is...I never realized how "guarded" I was..i know that i was a hard person to touch (i mean physically..like hugs or kisses)..but i didn't think i was emotionally guarded as well...I thought I expressed my emotions pretty well..but now I am looking back and realizing i don't...especially not when i'm confronted about having a problem...i was talking to bob about this, and realized that i overanalyze things a lot..and i tend to think i express more than i have..and sometimes surprising things will bother me..i don't think i like admitting that i get emotional, even though i really am... and sometimes i just won't admit or discuss them...not when dan said "well that makes me wonder, did i hurt you that much by saying i didnt want a relationship with you, that im no longer really a friend :/"...not when aakash was trying to salvage our friendship and he was at the door practically begging to talk to me in front of my dad and grandma...not with tom, or any of my close friends...i'm better with females..but definitely not with jenny...hanna, i think you are the person who knows me best, but i know there are times when even you don't know everything...and the funny thing is, i get PISSED OFF when people ask me...like i was fully annoyed with aakash and dan...sigh..i guess i'm more of a head job than i think...like how i made all the different sns just so i didn't have to be "present" to everyone...or all my private journal entries...it's like i like keeping part of myself hidden...i'm SOOO weird...in the spirit of being different, i'll just make this a public entry...
C) i also realized the guys i liked (like in the past) were not as annoying as i thought...like all my clouded emotions made them seem even more annoying to me than they should have been..they are actually really decent and i lost out on good friends acting like a psychopath
anyways, on a lighter note, bob thinks i should hook up with choi at the wedding..LOL...i think he's kidding?...not that there is anything wrong with choi
ps. i think i pissed nick off when i texted him asking if he thought i was guarded...which i don't understand at all =/
current mood:  pensive
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| Sunday, September 23rd, 2007
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1:27 am
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i'm just going to keep on posting 500 of these...i want to vent about my night later....but i need to remember what to talk about...so yeah...here is my day/night
six flags and the warm up rides...the stupid wood in my eye....the two hour wait and stupid retards working...gurnee and my crappy shoes and the crappy subway...and my major accomplishment relating to orange...and annoying aakash and making him buy *stuff* with me...coming home..and headache...and calling and calling...and then the fight...and then the hbo fight *2...and then toledo calling...and then the insomnia...and now the livejournal
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(comment on this)
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1:26 am
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ps. i'm having another insomniac night...haven't had one in a while =/...should have just gone out...BUT i decided to be responsible as i have work at 7 and don't want to fall into a bad habit...but alas, i still get no rest =/
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1:22 am
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have you ever noticed that gay men have a characteristic voice tone...i mean, to some extent it is stereotyped...but even in those that seem least gay, there is a hint of it present...why am i talking about this...i think it demonstrates how sexuality can be related to hormones or something that influences us biochemically as we develop...i totally want to find what hormone or pheromone or whatever it is that makes us attracted to guys when we're guys or girls when we're girls...or just no one at all...or both...or whoever/whenever....wouldn't it be interesting if they found something related to that...and then...here's the big hypothetical that *i'm* wondering about...WHAT would people choose??...would they continue to want to be the way they are...would a gay person want to be straight and vice versa...would a bisexual person want to limit the selection or a nonsexual person want to open up to the possibilities...don't you think that would be interesting????
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| Sunday, September 9th, 2007
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12:42 am
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12:34 am
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oh yeah, georgia rule was surprisingly good...except for the ending
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12:31 am
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i don't know why i feel that my icon is so appropriate to me...must work on being more positive (AGAIN!!!) and also on something else, but i forget..so things to work on:
1) positive attitude
2) it'll come to me later
on another note, i like to-do lists, i don't know why...something about them soothes my soul...not that i ever get them accomplished...strike that, i'm trying to be more positive
and on a completely different note...had a totally romantical weekend with aakash...somehow noticed his cute laugh today...went to papadeaux for dinner...drank wine and watched a movie...i miss hanna...
ok, nighters
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| Tuesday, June 5th, 2007
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8:44 pm
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there are some things you just don't appreciate until they are gone...most of you may not know this but at one point in my life i was a "gifted musician"...aka my mother forced me to take piano lessons in my early years...i did fairly well until i decided to quit and never really looked back....now they are passing on the "beloved" piano to my nieces...it makes all logical sense, pass it down so it's actually put to use yet still i'm sad...i'm so illogical sometimes...but then feelings are never really rational i suppose
recently my friend broke up with her boyfriend...with that comes a huge myriad of feelings...one i was surprised to witness for it was an interesting sight to behold (ps to any of you reading this, if you ever DO break up or need any comfort of any kind due to unexpected deaths, illness, etc. i am the WORSE person to have comfort you as evidenced by my awkwardness...inability to offer soothing words...and weird perspective on hugging and all other forms of physical affection...i have tried to comfort people in all three situations, and though i feel i did the best i could, i also did not do very well)...anyways, continuing wth my friend...she went from crying and feeling used to feeling happy and glad it was over...i'd never seen anyone jump from emotion to emotion so rapidly, not even myself...and i just sat there not quite sure what to do...we had a sleepover and some shopping (downtown was put on hold due to the inclement weather)...and at the end of the day had dinner with my mother during which she was so verbally abusive i almost felt like breakin down and crying...
and what has this to do with anything...it's the bane of my existence....my mother's need to vicariously fulfill all the wants and desires she could not have due to her own poor and desolate youth and even current situation...how she forced me to take piano lessons (even ballet and tap)...how she wanted me to be a doctor and now feels that i am a failure because i'm finally breaking away from medicine and the medical field...how she doesn't like that i can make my own decision in career when she herself was forced to be a nurse...how she is unable to control her own eating and her own weight ...
anyways...i continue to be boring...highlights of my life include the friday i got into two car accidents and missed the beginning of pirates due to another accident....that friday i also went to the police station the second time in a row....missing that bar brawl on sat (and regretting that i couldn't go!!! not at the time, but now)....waking up to be questioned by a federal investigator...having dinner at pepe's during which we were mischarged...that whole 30 person dinner the next day at hot wok...i don't even know...recently i feel like it's just food food food...did i mention food....oh yeah, i totally pissed off a guy cause i'm an idiot...not quite sure what to do about that one...but when it comes to the opposite sex, i never know what to do...and you know, i'm sure it'll all sort itself out...
alright, i'm done with my rant...
ps. that last paragraph was just for me to remember some things that happen...cause i figure as well as i'm journalling, i might as well not some memories..so if they don't quite make sense, no worries...it's really hard to understand me most times and anyways and i am doubtful i myself will no what i'm talking about when i reflect on this however many years later
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| Friday, February 9th, 2007
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1:29 am
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first off, HAPPY BDAY, sonny...hope you read this but will definitely call at a more decent hour ;)
on a second note...weird convo i had today...
Fan (1:10:44 AM): You've never had a bf!
Fan (1:10:49 AM): How is that possible!
acidicsweets (1:10:52 AM): stop !!
acidicsweets (1:10:53 AM): it is
acidicsweets (1:11:01 AM): don't make me seem like such a loser :'(
Fan (1:11:28 AM): no, I'm not saying you are a loser....I'm just in disbelief, because I know people have had to like you
acidicsweets (1:11:47 AM): well if they have, they've never voiced anything??
acidicsweets (1:11:48 AM): i dunno
Fan (1:11:59 AM): yeah, probably...
Fan (1:12:07 AM): If you didn't graduate I probably would have asked you out
acidicsweets (1:12:16 AM): right...
acidicsweets (1:12:21 AM): now you're just saying things :-P
Fan (1:12:28 AM): nope
Fan (1:12:32 AM): Ashley will tell you
acidicsweets (1:12:44 AM): stop
acidicsweets (1:12:45 AM): seirously
Fan (1:12:57 AM): I remeber she asked you one time about me and you laughed and were all, "what are you talking about?"
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| Monday, January 22nd, 2007
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12:26 pm
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so this weekend was definitely interesting...fun i suppose...friday i went out and came back at 6...i haven't done that in SO long...and then i slept from 6-9 and off and on...i don't know how i used to handle this before...cause two years ago, i swear i wouldn't have been as grumpy...but yeah, it was a lot of fun, though i made a fool of myself at times...and you know how everyone is like it's SO exciting to go to a gay bar, you can do whatever and not feel pressure or get hit on...it's true...no one in the room looks at you...it's also WEIRD..you're in a room with mostly guys, and then NO ONE in the room looks at you =/
so yea...this led to my saturday...during which i bummed, got yelled at by my parents...i don't even remember..my saturday was a blur...oh yeah, felt guilty about taking a candle...haha, long story..went to chili's and was supposed to go out again but had work at 7am...work calls me at 11 pm to tell me to come in at noon..people disappointed because we could have gone out...i don't know why my writing is so weird...haha...so yeah, they drank and watched material girls while i ATE and watched it...and at the end of that movie, my iq was lower, no joke...so then my mom is calling me between midnight to one (on someone else's phone who i was out with cause i left mine at home) to tell me to bring her subway at work because she is hungry...i respond really well to that in the crabby mood that i am in..NOT...but feel guilty later and go buy her subway...in the process of backing up my car (which is longer, wider, and black...something i'm not used to), i inadvertently hit a pole and get paint on my car...exhausted, i drop off the sandwiches to mother and arrive home...deciding to use paint thinner or gasoline to take off this yellow mess, i in the process begin to smell of gasoline...
nauseated, i return to my room...where heather and i proceed to talk on the phone for two hours and i don't know why...i kept trying to get off, i swear..i think...but yes, finally i collapse around three...around 9 the next morning (which this is a miracle i slept so long, i believe i am getting sick...cause i slept a lot today and only sleep alot around times where my immunity is lowered)..continuing on, around 9 my daddy walks into my room and informs me that worked called and ask that i come IMMEDIATELY....someone has not shown up and there are only two techs (normally there are four but they told me to come later as well)...i was SO tired i couldn't move, i meant to call back but doze back to sleep and awake at 11:30...so much for trying to go in early to help...in the process, work has called someone else and the person who didn't show up (because he didn't realize he was working comes)...so now we have FIVE staff which is more than normal...and the shift, because it was so tense in the morning (two patients ended up fighting each other...one ended in restraints...the other in the quiet room for an hour...and this is while no one responded to codes)...so yea, since it was so tense in the morning, we have a laidback day where we only watch movies and everyone thanks me for coming in...hahah...
and on a completely new note...would it be weird to you if you and your cousin have kissed the same boy...opinions??...i got teased...=(...my other cousins were like you two have practically kissed each other...blech..
current mood:  blank
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| Sunday, January 21st, 2007
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1:36 am
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i'm in a crabby mood and smell of gasoline..more details to come later as my computer is dying...ask sonny about this ...
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, January 15th, 2007
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6:41 pm
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does anyone know how to save emails so i can attach three of them in one email...if you do, it would be much appreciated ...
ps. i don't want to just forward the emails...
pps. the emails are in various inboxes and not all on the same account
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| Sunday, January 14th, 2007
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4:01 am
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i totally read those comments to my last post...i know, like five years later...but you guys are SO hillarious...i really needed the laugh...i love you all...and feel SO much better...
on another note...i totally forgot to talk about this conversation i had with my parents...haha...can you say AWKWARD...basically it was about what i could gain from my current job and also any prospects...so when they weren't accusing me of being engaged to aakash..they would make some of the following comments:
my dad - why do all the guys run away from you?
my mom - it's because of your figure; you're too fat
NO joke...it's kinda funny on reflection...lol
i'm so labile...haha
current mood:  chipper
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| Wednesday, January 10th, 2007
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6:54 pm - Everything that is wrong about me :
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I delay dealing with things when they should be handled right away
I’m immature especially when looking towards the future and relationships
I give up too easily
I can’t decide what I want
I break anything electronical
I let what my family says bother me
I don’t value things enough
I try to make plans but never stick to them...and use them to procrastinate
I’m retarded cause I’m making this list and I use that word (“retarded”) WAY too often
now that I’m totally depressed, I’m going to stop making this list ...feel free to add anything..sigh
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(9 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, September 26th, 2006
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8:42 pm
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| Saturday, February 4th, 2006
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2:02 pm
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I am having one of the shittiest days in my life, and for no reason. Did you ever notice how it’s so easy to over-react to things...I don’t know why I’m being so sensitive right now...but yeah, so I haven’t written in here...and I guess I just need to get things out...i’ve tried calling people and getting a hold of people, but I feel like when I’m in moods like the one I’m in now, no one is ever there for me ...by some miracle, all 20 people (total gross exaggeration) are busy with something else or whatnot...or can’t talk ...who knows if I’d talk about things even if I were able to get a hold of someone though...
So here is what bothers me...
My health
My mom
Josephine
Tom
Yeah, I’d go into details...but I seriously tried...and it’s so hard to make sense of things...i swear...
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| Wednesday, December 15th, 2004
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1:26 pm
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so yeah, i'm REALLY lost on who i'm sposed to get gifts for...and if you want one from me..you better tell me :-p...
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| Sunday, November 21st, 2004
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5:22 pm
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alright...reading lj is SO not working for me...i don't have much to do now...but i'm having probs being seated at a comp and not moving around much...will suck later when i have to do my pwrpt presentation and the five papers =/...but yeah, i think i need to be doing things at ALL times...or else i just want to sleep...maybe that's why i try to stay out of my apt...i feel like if i'm there i'll just sleep or something or be idle???...something like that...well when i'm there i walk around like a nutwoman and clean...nutwoman...you have to LOVE the word...lol...so yeah, here's teh thing...if you want me to know what's going on with you...you are going to have to tell me =P...i'm kinda illiterate...i promise i'll try to keep up with this better though =)...so yeah, i watned to jog...one itme i'm motivated to exercise (i think i'm just goin crazy from sitting)...my brother broke the treadmill in my room and it's too dark outside :(...
i'm going to continue being fat i guess ...ergh...it's not just how i look when i jog though...it's how i FEEL...ergh...
alright...on another note... muy caliente is what you're making me...and i just want to go dancing...DIRTY DIRTY DIRTY dancing...lol
remember muy caliente...
and remember in bed...
i do =)...i'm on crack =D..that naturally produced kind ;)
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| Saturday, November 20th, 2004
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9:46 pm
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realized that i haven't really written here in the longest time...or read this in the longest time...but that's cuase i lack time or anything particularly special to say...after tonight though, i kinda wish i had been keeping up with this more...at least reading-wise...went through fifty different moods today...need sleep to stabilize me, i swear.. so yeah, my away message for now will be :
the bed...it's calling me....
but my lessons for tonight...dating sucks, don't do it...and i can drive a man in circles...in fact, i can make him drive himself in circles...:-\
since that makes no sense except to maybe sonny and martin...in other news...
1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. Do you have a crush on me?
5. Would you kiss me?
6. Describe me in one word.
7. What was your first impression?
8. Do you still think that way about me now?
9. What reminds you of me?
10. If you could give me anything what would it be?
11. How well do you know me?
12. When's the last time you saw me?
13. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
14. Are you going to put this on your LiveJournal and see what I say about you?
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| Thursday, October 7th, 2004
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9:29 pm
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i'm too readable...well to certain people i guess...it's funny...cause yeah...
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sweetacidity's journal